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Leaving the party early

by Hannah Sandoz

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    super ferro normal-bias music grade tape with silver glitter and custom J-card . cover art designed by Syd Horn

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1.
josephine 02:12
2.
boyfriend 01:34
i am not a woman but i feel like half a boy put your hands inside me make my mouth move like your little toy girlfriend (your), girlfriend (your) i don’t think that i could be your girlfriend (your), girlfriend (your) promise me you won’t call me your girlfriend (your), girlfriend (your) i don’t think that i could be your girlfriend (your), girlfriend (your) promise me you won’t call me your call yourself a straight man (call yourself a straight man) but i feel like half a boy (but i feel like a boy) put your words in my mouth playing dumb is such a convenient ploy girlfriend (your), girlfriend (your) i don’t think that i could be your girlfriend (your), girlfriend (your) promise me you won’t call me your girlfriend (your), girlfriend (your) i don’t think that i could be your girlfriend (your), girlfriend (your) promise me you won’t call me your ooooooo(x3)
3.
dream song 02:34
you’re sitting in the darkness it’s dark and cold and darkened a light appears before you your body says, “go towards it” the vision is getting clearer, now you’re in the ocean, yes you’re in the ocean do that thing that you do that thing that he used to do he used to make you turn blue you were always small but now you’ve got your wisdom teeth out you’ve got your wisdom teeth out there’s no more babies to see and no more people to please just the everlasting peace you’re lying on the pavement the scorching sun is burning the pond is all dried up now you’ll start again at sundown sundown
4.
waiting in the morning for my eyes to open up just another Sunday on the way to falling in love sleeping in your bedroom feels like camping on the beach i’ll be rudely awakened by a kitten nipping gently at my feet but you are so much nicer than your cat it doesn’t bother me, anyways it’s been a while since someone looked at me like that i get goosebumps from your gaze and i am cautiously obsessed with with the feelings inside your head a little feline fun, a water bowl flipped out beside your bed ooooo (x5)
5.
i am broke but i’m not broken i have my goals but i don’t know their meaning how can i tell if time’s watching me? and if i said i was lost would you relate to me?
6.
train song 02:39
i am going to miss my train i can’t keep waiting for you even though i want to i gotta stop washing my hands till they’re cracked and they bleed like the moth on my lamp my heart is bruised now i’m just like you for better or worse you’re just like me too but i miss the summer the perpetual yardsale the children they played how they laughed and they wailed the sweat and the silence of damp afternoons i was newly acquainted with the ideal you i am going to miss my train i don’t care i’ll just split a cab with you i hope we get there soon
7.
like the birth of a lamb shallow pockets the skin of a clam i feel like a fool for falling in love with your poetry pay-paper, paper, papery fingers and fickle feelings but like the wounded pigeon i keep coming back to you i know one day my wings will drag and maybe then i’ll sing a different tune (laughter) i feel like a fool i feel, like a like a fool i feel like a fool
8.
wolves 03:19
some part of me couldn’t wait to see the danger that befalled me a loss of sleep like pulling teeth i know nobody can protect me a mister, a mother, a sister a brother a poet, a painter, gets ahold of me and i trust myself and i trust the earth beneath my feet to catch me, hold me, ground me i hope you’re fine ‘cause I’ll be in time i wonder if you’ve thought of me the day you left i held my breath with any luck you could forget me a mister, a mother, a sister a brother a haunting, a stranger, gets it out of me and i trust myself and i trust the last light that’s inside of me to keep me in good company
9.
hole 02:39
i can’t watch while it’s happening this is simply circumstances writing love notes as the tram hits waiting alone with baited breath i can’t remember your shape ghostly, unafraid surrender self to lines in your face this is the cross i carry embarrassed by your prominence porous and disarming i weave a wreath of my dismay. what gets bigger the more you take away? i’m still breathing, but only barely what gets bigger the more you take away? a hole a hole a hole a hole a whole, whole lot of suffering i can’t watch while it’s (how am i supposed to love a hole) happening this is (a hole has never done much for me) simply circumstances (how am i supposed to love a hole) half-baked shameful sideways glances (when everything is simply swallowed up inside me) Oooo
10.
i can’t believe that you tried to poison me i never could tell what you wanted with my body you use, use, use me you use, use, use me waiting to be free from this flesh, i’ll be released i will never tell you what i did inside my body you use, use, use me you use, use, use me make myself bleed till the angels carry me i have to leave so no one can have my body you use, use, use me you use, use, use me
11.
i wanna go 04:04
way too tired to go to sleep way too sleepy to have a dream feel so empty; forgot to eat feel so angry i need to scream but what if i died as a baby and came back as an old man? can i recover what’s left me, can i just be a child again? what if we’re all without mothers and we choose who we envy the most? we travel without shame or pity the day that we all become ghosts and i wanna go back to the old house to the old house i wanna go back to the old house to the old house way too tired to go to sleep way too sleepy to have a dream feel so sticky, wrapped up in sheets feel so lonely, my eyelids leak but what if I died as a baby and came back as a wanted man? can i uncover what’s shaped me? can i just become dust again? taking the time to plant seedlings in the places that i want to see describing the people who made me, and the people they wanted to be and i wanna go back to the old house to the old house (x4)
12.
perseverance 01:56
with all my judgments and my virtues i’m still crawling on the bed, like a child in a nightmare, maybe i’m the one that’s crooked. and all the signs that point to guarantees that i believed they’re just wondering about me like the day they tried to leave. all the pictures that i’ve taken of the people that i loved all cut out behind the notebook that you started thinking of. and the time it just keeps tickin’ sticky goosebumps on my neck apologize for the mistakes that i thought i had to finish. all the while words are hanging like the stray cat on my lawn stuck on sandpapery tongues finally found them but you’re gone. perseverance on the porchswing feels like only yesterday, but i left my rosary in Ohio and it’s oh-so far away it didn’t have to feel important like the ways we went inside. living lonely in the bedroom making ant farms of my pride. making messes in the morning drowning stressors in the sun, if i really think about it i could be the only one. i could be the only one. i could be the only one.

about

we're tired in our bodies. a man in the crowd is staring at us. we were having fun earlier but now there's a sick feeling. we're leaving the party early

details on cassette orders forthcoming

credits

released March 30, 2023

big thanks to...

...isaac shalit for providing notes on my final mix
...syd horn for painting this beautiful album cover
...sylvia sawyer james for inspiring me every day
...my mother for keeping me safe and sane
...my father for listening to my rough mixes

...and last but not least...

...my sister josephine for being a tiny sweet baby

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all rights reserved

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about

Hannah Sandoz Chicago, Illinois

music that holds you while you cry

based in chicago

guitar + vox + live electronics
hannahsandoz55@gmail.com

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